


Harry Potter and the Year Nothing Happened

by Hator



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Friendship, Parody, Reimagining, play format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 17:32:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18393080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hator/pseuds/Hator
Summary: Join Harry and his friends as they battle....boredom?(Features Ravenclaw!Hermione and Hufflepuff!Ron)





	Harry Potter and the Year Nothing Happened

_(Lights up. There are four chairs arranged to look like a boxcar. Only one of them is occupied by HARRY. He sits quietly, looking out the window, playing with his wand, adjusting his hair. He’s just trying to keep himself occupied. The Trolley witch begins to slowly walk across the stage.)_

 

TROLLEY WITCH.

Candy……….Candy……………….Would anybody like some Candy…………..Candy….

 

HARRY.

Oh! Ma’am, I’ll take some!

 

TROLLEY WITCH.

Ah yes, young man! What would you like?

 

HARRY.

I’ll take….Four of everything?

 

TROLLEY WITCH.

Young man, you realize this candy is for everybody on the train, yes?

 

HARRY.

Yes, but-

 

TROLLEY WITCH.

Didn’t your parents ever tell you candy rots your teeth?

 

HARRY.

…No ma’am, they did not…..How about two of everything?

 

TROLLEY WITCH _(begrudgingly)_.

Alright. Just don’t eat it all by yourself.

 

HARRY.

Yes, ma’am!

 

_(TROLLEY WITCH grabs two handfuls of candy and dumps it on Harry’s lap. I’d love it if this wasn’t even wizarding candy but that is up to the director. Harry thanks her and starts putting the candy in his bag for safe keeping. She begins to walk away, continuing her cry of “candy….candy” as HARRY keeps trying to occupy himself. We hear a soft hoot.)_

 

HARRY.

Oh hey, Hedwig. You doing alright?

 

_(We hear a slightly stronger hoot.)_

 

HARRY.

Hm. I guess that means yes.

 

_(Another hoot)_

 

HARRY.

I wonder what that means.

 

_(Another hoot.)_

 

HARRY.

Do you think there’s magic that would allow us to talk to animals? ....I wonder what you’d say. Good things I hope?

 

_(One last hoot and then loud violent hacking.)_

 

HARRY.

Oh god. Oh god, Hedwig. Jesus-

 

_(The hacking stops.)_

 

HARRY.

Oh, that was quick.

 

_(HARRY peers into Hedwig’s cage)_

 

HARRY.

Was that a rat? I thought you usually went for frogs but I guess there weren’t-

 

_(DRACO, HERMIONE and RON walk in)_

 

DRACO. Oh… Oh did I interrupt a private moment?

 

_(HARRY instantly brightens)_

 

HARRY.

Aw shut it Malfoy. Hey guys!

 

HERMIONE.

Hey Harry! Hope you didn’t get too lonely?

 

RON.

Jeez, we leave you alone for an hour and you’re talking to an owl. Haven't been making friends with Crookshanks have you?

 

HARRY.

Hey! Hedwig is a very smart owl!

 

DRACO.

Oh yes, I’m reminded of that every time she defecates all over the Slytherin table.

 

RON.

Ha! Does she really still do that?

 

HERMIONE.

Honestly Harry, I can’t believe you taught Hedwig how to poop on command.

 

HARRY.

Hey, I didn’t teach her! Back during our first year, I just….Told her I wished someone would knock Malfoy down a peg. Next day she just took a dump on his head while she was delivering my prophet.  

 

DRACO.

And she’s done it ever since. The little toerag.

 

 _(DRACO sticks his_ tongue _out at HEDWIG. We hear an insulted hoot.)_

 

HARRY.

I’ve told her to stop!

 

_(HARRY turns to the cage)_

 

HARRY.

Hey, hey Malfoy and I are cool now! Please stop pooping on his head.

 

_(Resilient hoot. This hoot should make it clear that Hedwig is not planning on stopping.)_

 

HERMIONE.

I’ve heard it’s good luck if a bird poops on you Draco! Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise!

 

DRACO.

Merlin knows I need any luck I can get.

 

HARRY _(suddenly switching the subject)_.

So you’re a prefect too?

 

DRACO.

Sure am! I mean who else were they going to give it to? Goyle?

 

RON.

I don’t think Goyle can string together a sentence, much less be a prefect.

 

DRACO.

Now Ron that’s not true….He asked me to move out of the way once. That’s a sentence.

 

HERMIONE.

Boys come on now, that’s just cruel. Do you know who the girl’s prefect is Draco?

 

DRACO.

Just Pansy.

 

RON.

Just Pansy?

 

DRACO.

Yes, Ron. Just Pansy.

 

HERMIONE.

Harry, are you okay? You just kinda went quiet there.

 

DRACO.

No, please don’t encourage him.

 

 _(_ HERMIONE _smacks him)_

 

HARRY _(suddenly)_.

WHY AM I NOT A PREFECT?

 

_(They all realize he’s seriously miffed about this.)_

 

RON.

Seriously? Harry, mate, I love you but-

 

DRACO.

-Have you forgotten everything you’ve done?

 

HARRY.

What? What does that mean?

 

RON.

I mean you almost got expelled this summer for Merlin's sake!

 

DRACO.

What!?

 

RON.

Oh yeah. Sorry, I guess you had to be there-

 

DRACO.

-Bullshit! What happened?

 

HERMIONE.

Well to cut an extremely ridiculous story short, Harry and his cousin were attacked by dementors. The ministry was trying to make a bigger deal of it than what it-

 

DRACO.

You know. That’s usually the kind of thing you start with when catching up with your friend who you haven’t seen the entire summer.

 

HERMIONE.

Yeah, I’m sorry. I guess we just forgot you didn’t know. We just haven’t really been able to send you any owls because of the whole- _(she trails off)_

 

DRACO.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know.

 

_(An uncomfortable silence)_

 

HARRY.

I still don’t get it. I found the philosopher’s stone-

 

HERMIONE.

-Only because Ron and I helped you get through all the riddles!-

 

DRACO.

I don’t remember this. Where was I?

 

RON.

Still being a git somewhere.

 

HARRY _(continuing as if he hadn’t been interrupted)_.

-I KILLED THE BASILISK AND DESTROYED RIDDLE’S DIARY-

 

DRACO.

Hey! You wouldn’t have even known about Riddle’s Diary if I hadn’t helped you out!

 

HERMIONE.

Wasn’t your dad the one who gave Ginny the diary in the first place?

 

DRACO _(brushing this aside)_.

Details.

 

HARRY.

-I SAVED SIRIUS AND FOUGHT OFF A HUNDRED DEMENTORS-

 

RON.

Really Harry? Hermione deserves most of the credit for that one.

 

HERMIONE.

Humble pie Mr. Potter…

 

HARRY.

ALRIGHT, I’ll give you that one Hermione. But you know what I did do? Win the Triwizard cup. That one was all me baby.

 

DRACO.

Ah yes, you were the winner of a competition you technically shouldn’t have been allowed to enter in the first place. The competition a psychopath illegitimately entered you into in the dead of night.

 

HARRY.

Okay yes-

 

RON.

All the times you snuck out under the invisibility cloak….Every time you’ve talked back to Snape…

 

HARRY.

Okay, okay I get it. I am the worst student to ever grace the halls of Hogwarts and how dare I even think of being a prefect, hm? Is that it?

 

RON.

Yeah, now you’re getting it.

 

_(HARRY huffs as DRACO and RON cackle madly)_

 

HERMIONE.

Oh Harry, don’t let it bother you. It’s so much responsibility Dumbledore probably didn’t want to burden you with anything else.

 

RON.

Don’t get me started! I wish you _had_ ended up being prefect. That meeting was so boring! You’d have found some way to liven it up. The male prefect for Gryffindor ended up being Dean. Nice enough. But he wouldn’t have called Snape a cad and challenged him to a duel you know?

 

HERMIONE.

Ron, Snape wasn't even there. And please tell me you actually paid attention to what they were saying.

 

DRACO.

Hermione, in his defense, I don’t think anyone was paying attention. I saw Hannah wiping drool off her chin when it was over.

 

HERMIONE.

You’re all hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

 

HARRY.

Oh Hermione, but you know we’d be utterly lost without you.

 

_(HERMIONE gives a satisfied “hm”)_

 

HARRY.

Oh hey, do you guys want candy? I bought some off the trolley witch while you guys were at your meeting.

 

RON.

Oh yeah! Pass some over!

 

_(HARRY passes candy around and after some light discussion of who gets what ((Harry and Ron would definitely try and trade with each other)) the kids go back to their conversation)_

 

HERMIONE.

So, Draco, how was your summer?

 

_(DRACO winces)_

 

HERMIONE.

Oh. Oh god, no I’m sorry-

 

DRACO.

No, it’s fine. I uh…It was actually pretty normal you know? Same as every summer except we didn’t go on holiday. My father was preoccupied with…work. And my mother’s been on edge since…You know….

 

HERMIONE.

Yeah, we’ve all been a bit on edge…

 

DRACO.

She was never really a fan of…All of that you know. She believes in all the same blood purity junk but she doesn’t think people should die over it. She’d never tell my dad though.

 

RON.

Have you talked to your dad about...Your views?

 

DRACO.

Psh, of course not. I haven’t talked to my dad about friends since my first year. He still asks me how Crabbe and Goyle are doing.

 

HARRY.

Yeah, I don’t think Lucius would be too happy if he knew you were best friends with the boy who lived, a blood traitor and a muggle born.

 

DRACO.

PSH, please Harry. Don’t even speak that into existence. He’d pull me out of school in a heartbeat.

 

HERMIONE.

He couldn’t! Not with our OWLS right around the corner!

 

_(The boys groan)_

 

HERMIONE.

I know, I know, but we have to be prepared-

 

 _(The train chugging slows down and the four_ jolt _as the train comes to a stop)_

 

HARRY.

Oh nooooo…what a tragedy…

 

DRACO.

We have to leave…….oh gosh…….

 

RON.

No, wait, guys….Maybe we can ask Hermione to keep lecturing us later……I’m so upset…….

 

HERMIONE. Oh just get off the train already!

 

_(Lights shift)_

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm currently in the process of writing "Harry Potter and the Year that Nothing Happened" as a stage play for my university's New Work's Festival. I'm planning on submitting my portfolio to them in the fall and if I'm chosen I'd want for this to be the play that is produced. My goal is for this to be a fully produced stage play by October! That's why it's written as a screenplay (albeit a very crude screenplay). I decided to post it on AO3 as I worked on it because I wanted to hear some real feedback from other Harry Potter fans and how they think I can improve the piece. If you have any questions about my reimagining or about how a screenplay should be read feel free to ask me! 
> 
> Oh and one last thing! Chapters will most likely end abruptly as the play is designed to flow smoothly from location to location and because of this doesn't really have traditional "scenes". Unfortunately, I don't think posting the entire play as one giant chapter is a good idea so I'll just be posting a new chapter for every "scene"


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